Social Suicide II

Watch this YouTube video before even bothering with the post.

I have never been much of a people’s person, I don’t like parties and I don’t like loud music which essentially meant that as a teenager I would practically never go out.

Yes, I am boring.

Yes, I am a little like George Constanza.

You may find my admission shocking but trust me, I have known this for a while now and I have been actively trying to figure out why my life turned out the way it did. That story is for another day, though because today we talk about women.

A little backdrop here, this is a story about my friend’s girlfriend (No it’s not going where you think it’s going.) Think of her as a generic Bandra girl from well…Bandra.

Yes, I mean that in every sense of the way. She hashtags her Instagram photos with #like #hot #selfie #besties #bestoo #happybday #tbt #throwback #velfie #hottie #meriphonewaalipixxxx #mainhudondondondon #iPhonePhotography #iSelfie #WomenCantDrive #haha #lols #please #help #me #i #cannot #stop #omgzzzz #heygurrrrl #partygurl #bdaygurl #gurlgurl #noodles #maggi #2 #minute #ok #stopping #now on her own ‘pichas’ and says ‘ya’ after everything. I personally think, the only reason my friend is dating her is because she is hot. I told him that but he didn’t seem very happy about it. Apparently the tone I said it in wasn’t right which is funny because I texted him that but hey, atleast he isn’t lodging an FIR against me. #AmIRight #PopCulture #MainBhi #Roast #SelfieAliKhan #Geddit #Srs #Baes #Where #Bye

You may think I sound like a misogynist or a sexist or a whatever-the-fuck-you-kids-call-it-now-ist, but trust me I am not, I just hate everybody equally.
You probably think I am hating on her too much, I mean it’s not like she did anything to me personally, right? RIGHT?


“YOU KNOW NOTHING, SON” - This guy, probably

If the legends are to believed, she was told by a common friend that I was a single and yada-yada-yada the next thing I know is that she has successfully set me up with one of her friends #besties #frn #mah #lyf

Apparently me sending her “Why would you do this? If she is anything like you dis gonna suck.” was not most mature way to handle the situation. But you have to understand, for me personally being setup is literally just something you’d try doing before posting things like “Any hawt girl in Oshiwara who wants to watch movie n have fun ;))?” on every possible Secret thread which exists, but hey, that’s just me and apparently it’s completely normal and socially acceptable to go out on these ‘set-up-dates’

So it was all set, I was supposed to meet her at this party because obviously what better place than a party with a million people, right? What better place could there by to find something in common between a stranger and you? Loud music, puking men and women of all ages! It. Was. All. So. Perfect.

(On an unrelated note, when I called up my friend to ask him about something and the conversation went from there to the set-up-date-girl and I asked him if she was hot. He deflected the question by telling me that she was nice. I didn’t know what ‘nice’ meant at that time. (More on that, in a bit)
But I had this feeling, you know that moment when somebody informs you about something and you know in your gut that it won’t end well? Yeah, this was that.)

If you haven’t seen me at parties, I am that guy sitting on the couch competing over a game of FIFA. As I was nearing the end of my patience with United and wanted to chuck out the controller (because I just lost 2-0) and my friend was acting like a complete retard and decided to go have some shots, some kind of a human (?) came and sat next to me. The human proceeded to take the other controller my friend had kept down after winning and asked me “Is this a PSP? Do you wanna play a game?” in the most annoying voice I had ever heard in my life. I didn’t like where this was going and that became quite apparent in the next thirty seconds during which I raised my hands and ran out of the room yelling “OH MY GOD IT’S SHREK! OH MY GOD IT’S SHREK!”

Apparently, that was not a good idea. That human in question, was the person I was supposed to be ‘on a date with at the party’.

Fast forward to the next day where I am telling my friend about how I cannot understand why women pretend that their friends are not good looking. It’s like an art, isn’t it? I am pretty sure THEY know that they’re not. Can we just be honest with people instead of sending out heart emojis on every selfie they upload on Instagram?

I mean #gurl #do #u #even #she #be #uggs

After that, the Bandra girl decided to stop talking to me, which to be honest was the most obvious thing anybody would ever do if you insult their best friend from school, I think. I don’t really know but whatever. I mean if you insult my best friend from school, chances are I would join you.

What I do know is how all of this works now. Next time someone tries this on you. Here is how you go about it:

Girl-who-wants-you-to-date-her-friend: My friend is totally single and like totally hawwwwt!

You: She’s hot? (Followed by a grim stare)

Alternate Answer 1: Girl: Yeah she is!
Answer: Go out with the girl.

Alternate Answer 2: Yeah, she’s cute!
Answer: She’s not hot.

Alternate Answer 3: Yeah, she’s damn sweet!
Answer: There is a 50% probability that this won’t end well.

Alternate Answer 4: Yeah, she’s really nice!
Answer: Do not do this to yourself. You deserve better. She probably looks like a man.

The worst part is when #omgiamhotbandragurls are friends with not-hot girls and they compliment not-hot girls on how hot they look which is essentially a lie, because as stated before, they are not hot.

They look like crows.


TL;DR: If you have a not-hot looking friend who is single stop lying to people by telling them that she is hot. It’s not cool, k?


Now read this

Hipster Doofuses: #Stuff

Sorry for the typos. I have a real job, so like you know, stuff. “I don’t understand why they think the pen is mightier than the sword, the guy with the sword can kill the guy with the pen, right?” “…Can you not do this while I am... Continue →