The Universe Doesn’t Revolve Around You And Six Other Fun Facts

I never got around to publishing this, even though it has typos, I speak nothing but honesty. Y'know that.

You’re Judging Them Wrong

I learnt something very important during college, when I majored in marketing, I learnt from Jim Young in Boiler Room (Which has absolutely no connection to the previous statement. I just wanted to tell you guys that I majored in marketing) “…And there is no such thing as a no sale call. A sale is made on every call you make. Either you sell the client some stock or he sells you a reason he can’t. Either way a sale is made, the only question is who is gonna close? You or him?”

How do you know somebody is gonna buy what you’re selling? How do you judge if the cute girl at the bar is going to slap your face or give you her number? How do you judge what happens when you bang into a dude’s BMW? How do you know if you should date a girl or not? So many judgements, so little time.

I think the entire way the premise works is that one has to let the person they’re meeting, talk about the things they wanna talk about.

Most people, judge people on the basis of what they wear or their physical attributes or their wallet and they essentially don’t know how to disintegrate all of that with the person they want to judge and that just adds to the chaotic mess that we are perputally in, as humans. So the first step is to strip people of their status in society, their shitty clothes, their ugly faces and the huge-bulky wallet they carry. The moment you meet somebody, strip them and judge them for the people they are, not what they want to be, not what they seem to be but what and who they really are. What you can get out of that is something so wonderful, enriching and unique that it is worth the effort, trust me, I could do this for a living.

The next step is to let them talk, interact minimally and let them suffer through a conversation they started, respond with generic things which push them deeper into the conversation, so they can still continue spewing the bullshit, they started. Watch them as they try, ask irrelevant questions, make them repeat things but remember, none of that should derail you from the objective of observing them throughout. The entire point of this step is to let them believe what they want to believe, to make them see that you are putting in the effort in getting to know them and their story.

These two steps if repeated more than four times, should be enough to let you gauge them as people. Understand them for who they are, beneath the feathers, are they a unique unicorn or are they just a scavenger waiting for you to drop dead?

Remembering Helps

One of the most integral part of being a human is to remember what people say and use them against them, sometimes out of context too because they won’t remember what they said, but you will and they will believe you because there was an effort shown on your part to actually remember something about what they were saying or even about them.

You have to understand, humans at the end of the day, all they really want is attention and love.

Never forget that.

Your Ex Is Not Your Friend

Remember how amazingly hot and sexy you looked the last time you saw yourself in the mirror? Now, remember the time you dumped your boyfriend and decided that it would be a good thing to stay friends without a gestation period? Remember how you continue talking to him till date even though it’s been a year? Remember when somebody asked you why you were doing this and you said “because he is a good friend”?

Remember how you’re a liar?

The only reason your ex still talks to you is because he is single or because you have been leading him on, mainly because you like having backups.

This makes you a shitty person, nobody likes shitty people. You and your ex can’t be friends. Backups are great but not when it comes to people. Spitting out shitty reasons and excuses about why you can’t just stop talking to somebody makes you a weak person and it’s not just wrong to the person you’re doing it to, it’s also wrong to you.

God forbid, you stop lying to yourself one day about this, imagine what kind of a person that would make you, eh?

Also, protip: Don’t date or hookup with your friends

If you think you can be friends with people who have seen you naked and had a long term relationship with, without a gestation period, you’re more wrong about it than Modi is about Make in India and he is so wrong about it, it’s not even funny.

Burgers Are Better Than Pizzas

There is no other way to say it, maturity has happened when you have successfully realised that burgers are so much better than pizzas, mainly because you never share a burger, add to the fact that it just tastes much much better than a pizza pie. So fuck you and your expensive shitty bread with minimal cheese on it.

Sonia Gandhi rekt. Trump is our saviour.

Acceptance Is Better

The only person you’re answerable to is yourself and the people around you and the society and the world and the universe and Jadoo, but if you can’t accept yourself for who you are, nobody will like you and you will die alone.
Just like people who are active on Twitter or turn into an alcoholic who just likes to paaaaaaarty, like most people on Facebook and Instagram and Snapchat.

Assuming, you don’t wanna end up like that trash who go out drinking every other day and have absolutely no clue what to do with their life, learn how to accept yourself.

Be the douche you really are. Make sure people who know you, know who you really are. I’d rather know a friend who is a douche than a person who lies about who he/she really is. Be fucking honest, Jesus, is it really that difficult?

I use this line when I can’t be honest about certain things from House of Cards, you can borrow it, if you want, it goes “You might very well think that, I couldn’t possibly comment.”


Speak Before You Die

Most people in the world are scared of public speaking, it is the only thing people are more scared of than death. I am not making it up, I could be making it up to prove a point, but I am not.

Most people don’t speak or express themselves their entire lives, creating bubbles of emotions inside them until they get a heart-attack,

Don’t be those people.

If you find yourself tongue-tied in most situations because you don’t really want to say what you’re thinking, you’re a pussy. Most people don’t say what they’re thinking because they’re scared of the consequences, or so they claim. Fuck them, where the fuck is your fucking adventurous side, mon’?

Imagine if Hitler hadn’t said anything about how he felt or what he wanted to do. Fuck, that’s a bad example. (Or is it?)

Speak your fucking mind, people deserve that, bubbling up thoughts inside you are irrelevant and inconsequential and you seem like a stupid chimpanzee.

The Universe Doesn’t Revolve Around You

As much as you wish it did, as much people around you make it seem like it does, as much as girls who want to be with you make you think it does and as much as guys who want to get in your pants make you feel it does.

It really fucking doesn’t.

I am here to piss on your fucking parade and light your hair on fire because that is what I do as a person. I tell you that you’re a fuckup while being extremely violent in general as a person because I like expressing myself. (Do you see how all those stories are inter-woven?, I would make a damn’ fine director)

You’re not the most important thing in the world, you are not relevant and you will not be missed, everybody is replaceable.

The ideology of the self-centered and self-obessed reach new levels, the universe revolving around them is just a part and parcel of what they think of themselves as people. Were they surrounded by people who told them that? I don’t know. What I do know is that nobody can possibly be that stupid to continue believing that nothing in the world will function the way it does if they cease to exist. But I am so wrong about that.

So. So. Wrong.

Moral of The Story: We are a cesspool of colossal fuckups but it’s all good as long as we accept it and stop making shitty excuses about it.


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