Hipster Doofuses: #Stuff
Sorry for the typos. I have a real job, so like you know, stuff.
“I don’t understand why they think the pen is mightier than the sword, the guy with the sword can kill the guy with the pen, right?”
“…Can you not do this while I am ordering?”
“Fuck you, you triple jelly piece of shit”
“Hate”
“How is life going?”
-sips coffee-
“Work is slow, business environment is shitty”
“You’ve been saying that for two years now”
“Next time, I’ll lie to you”
“Start a startup”
“Why would I do that?”
“Don’t you support Congress?”
“What does this have anything to do with with my political preferences?”
“Bro do you even Nehru?”
“What?”
“Nehru was a visionary. He predicated the startup scene”
“The fuck are you talking about?”
“Remember he said that thing?”
“…Oh my God, no.”
“PROFIT IS A DIRTY WORD, JEH”
-laughter-
“I wanna tell this joke to people but nobody will get it”
“IKR”
-sips coffee-
“Fuck this shit, tell bae scene”
“What bae scene? There is no bae, hence there is no scene”
“I was talking to my friend the other day and he is talking about getting married and stuff to this girl he has been dating and I am like bro, I still don’t even know how to tie a tie”
“I have the exact same thing happening to people around me. Who the fuck knows how to tie a tie anyway?”
“Ties are annoying. Why do women think men in suits look hot?“
"Because women like it when men are uncomfortable, AF.”
“Did you just use af, rn?”
-sips coffee-
“So you’re dating?”
“I am seeing somebody, I am not dating her”
“What is the difference?”
“I meet her often and we talk but I am defintely not dating her”
“How the fuck is that different from dating?”
“Dating sounds like too much commitment”
“What does she do?”
“She works at an NGO”
“Does she make any money?”
“Let’s just say that your watchman makes more money than her”
“Dude, my watchman makes more money than Flipkart too”
-laughter-
“You know this won’t work out, right?”
“Why not?”
“The only nice thing you do for other people is give them free alcohol at your parties meanwhile she is out there being Captain-fucking-Planet”
“We are mature enough to not have our ideologies clash”
“You are not mature”
“Fuck you, you play Pokémon”
“Atleast it’s not Call of Duty, chut”
“Nobody will choose you, Pikachut”
“Your mom disagrees”
-sips coffee-
“Did I tell you about my social expirement?”
“I am sorry, you do one every week. Which one are we talking about?”
-laughter-
“The Tinder one”
“What did you do now?”
“I put up this bio, titled ‘Reviews’ which was essentailly just things my ex’s have said to me while breaking up or towards the end of the reltationship”
“I wanna see this shit”
“Anyway, I thought after reading that, no girl would swipe right, right? ‘What kind of a sick demented person is this guy?!’ she would think in her head, right?”
“So it failed?“
“Social experiments can’t fail you fuckin’ dumbass hoe”
“…”
“4 matches in 2 days”
“What?”
“Yeah”
“WHY?”
“Apparently, when I asked a friend about it, she told me that these girls probably think that I am broken and that they can fix me”
“I am sorry, did you say they can fix you?”
“Yep”
“Are they Coldplay?”
-laughter-
“Are you gonna go on a Tinder date with one of em’?”
“Are you crazy? If somebody swiped right to THAT bio, they’re damagaed goods, bro. Not going anywhere near that shit”
“This is why you can’t be fixed, you superifical piece of shit”
“Random hate”
“FIX YOURSELF”
“Are you my ex?”
“…You know what, I don’t even wanna know”
“…I wish I didn’t either”
-sips coffee-
“This is why people hate you”
“The only people who hate me are the people who ain’t me”
“Just stop”
“What happened to that girl you went out with a couple of times?”
“What girl?”
“Stop being a little cunt and spill it”
“She doesn’t think I am funny”
“How do you know?”
“SHE TOLD ME”
“OH MY GOD SHE TOLD YOU?”
“YEAH”
“TO YOUR FACE?”
“OVER THE PHONE!”
“NOT TO YOUR FACE?”
“WELL NOT TECHNICALLY”
“YOU KNOW WHY?”
“…BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE FACETIME?”
-laughter-
“Does she like Bollywood?”
“I guess”
“No wonder”
“Meh”
-sips coffee-
“Do you like her?”
“Why would I like her?”
“So why did you even go out with her?”
“I didn’t”
“RIIIIGHT”
“STFU, NGO dater”
“SHE SAVES LIVES”
“…OR SHE LAUNDERS MONEY. WHO KNOWS?”
“STOP FUCKING WATCHING SHIT MOVIES YOU DICKHEAD”
“HEY GURL ARE YOU CASH? CUS I WANNA LAUNDER YOU”
“That makes no sense”
“Are you calling me a woman?”
“No, you can drive”
-laughter-
“Damn’ we are sexist”
-sips coffee-
“So wait, you’re not gonna go out with her because she said you’re not funny?”
“GOOD MORNING DEAR”
“Any other reason?”
“Reasons? Who needs reasons…”
“…Nope”
“Fair enough”
“So, that offended you?”
“What?”
“Her telling you that you’re not funny?”
“Are you retarded, why would that offend me?”
“What is it then?”
“Have you ever met somebody who tells you that you’re not funny?”
“Not really”
“Same”
“…Make a point, chut”
“Points? Who needs points…”
“…JUST FUCKING SAY IT”
“IT…Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
“No wonder she doesn’t find you funny”
“Go BAE-ING HUMAN”
“I am done”
-sips coffee-
“So what are you looking for?”
“What do you mean?”
“What kind of the girl is THE girl?”
“Oh THE girl!”
“Do tell”
“I don’t have a list”
“Of course you do, Buzzfeed employee”
“No.”
“Yep”
“Are you stalking me?”
“Duh”
“Okay then, what is THE girl?”
“THE girl is the one who doesn’t exist but should”
“Well, in an ideal situation she drives, doesn’t lie, is funny, not looking for drama, good taste in music, likes coffee, netflix and chill over clubs and anal, has a real job, uses an iPhone and likes Seinfeld”
“…”
“Exactly”
“So what are you looking for is…”
“Yep”
“…You?”
“Sure”
“You hate you and you lie all the time!”
“Debatable”
“Assuming a girl like that did exist, why would she wanna date herself?”
“…This is like that episode from Seinfeld”
“Everything in life is”
“Wait she doesn’t need to have daddy issues?”
“#SayNoToDaddyIssues”
“When did that happen?”
“Are you sad because you can’t sign up anymore?”
“Fuckoff”
“HEY GURL ARE YOU AN NGO? CUS LYK U MAEK ME C.R.Y.”
“Ugh
"HEY GURL ARE YOU PETA? CAUSE TBH IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTA”
“…Just like no”
“HEY GURL ARE YOU AN NGO? CAUSE AIESEC WHAT YOU DID THERE”
“You are going to hell”
“GOOD MORNING DEAR”
“Are you gonna put this up?”
“TWSS”
“…I just agree with the girl who doesn’t think you’re funny now to be honest”
“HEY GURL ARE YOU AN NGO? CUS U MAKIN ME M.A.D.”
“I hate myself more than I hate you”