Diffusion #01: The Urban Mess

Ideas saved in drafts + pasted into one document = Diffusion #01

This particular one is called “The Urban Mess” or as Buzzfeed would call it: “6 Things We Want To Change About Mumbai!”

Every city fundamentally is screwed, lack of infracture, lack of open-spaces, ever increasing high-rise apartment complexes, buildings which look like they were designed by people who work at Samsung and the problems of overpopulation, curb cities and make it extremely difficult for tax-paying citizens to enjoy their rights.

“I will be using Mumbai as an example.”

“For?”

“Everything.”

“Well, shit.”

I have given up hope on everything, nothing will change. Let’s just get over that and think about what we can do next for the future generations. How do we make sure the people don’t consume a city so much that it’s culture is sucked dry and all that’s left are basements to park our cars?

That is where our city is literally headed and it disturbs me but it still won’t stop me from writing a 1,000+ word post and use hashtags randomly. (#Duh #Obviously #Obvio #Bro #Lettuce #Do #Dis #Yo)

I struggled with the question for weeks, I ignored my work, I quit my job, I invested money in Flipkart, purchased a chair from Fab.com, bought an Android app and even started using Hike! instead of WhatsApp. Everything was going down the shitter for me until I finally realised that I should never go to CCD again because when I asked them for an Iced Americano they literally gave me a scalding hot Americano in a mug and a different empty glass full of ice.

Ugh.

Whenever somebody asks me what I hate about Mumbai, the first thing which pops into my head is the lack of directions on the road for the commuters and the motorists.

“Mumbai was ill-conceived even before it was Mumbai”

The old-island city is separate from the suburbs, which is separate from the central side of Mumbai. (#SoBo #NoBo #CoBo #Mumbai #Meri #Jaan) Most of the places are sub-divided into east and west. With all this going on and having no idea where you are going, as you drive through the potholed road, it is quite painful to locate a place. (Duh?)

An “international city” which doesn’t help people get from Point A to Point B is not even a real city. People need to know where they are going (Please don’t tell me to use GPS. Last time I used that to go somewhere, I ended up in the parking lot of the airport. #Never #Again #Google #Sux #Apple #Maps #For #Lyfe)

Funfact: There is a sign board on the Western Express Highway which tells me how many kilometres away Ahmedabad is but doesn’t tell me how far Goregaon is. (#LolLogic #Bro #Roxy #Greater #Mumbai)

Whenever somebody asks me what I hate about Mumbai, the second thing which pops into my head is the renaming of areas and roads.

Nobody knows what the following even mean: Sangeet Samrat Naushad Ali Road, Sir Dinshaw Mulla Marg, Jagmohandas Marg, Dr. Deshmukh Road or C. D. Barfiwala Marg.

They are actually official names for some of the most famous places in the city: Carter Road, Marine Lines Street, Napean Sea Road, Pedder Road, Juhu Lane, respectively.

I have absolutely no idea as to what would possess people to do this. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I don’t honestly care because Carter Road really needs to calm down with it’s FroYo stores. Those stores are the reason why they did this. Bandra, you lil’ shit, you’ve done it again. :(

Whenever somebody asks me what I hate about Mumbai, the third thing which pops into my head is the lack of places to poo.

Why can’t we have places to take a dookie? Why do they all have to stink like somebody already took a dookie hundred and one thousand times even before I enter the place? How hard is it? What could possibly have gone so wrong with us a city/society that we couldn’t even devise a way to make sure people could pee/poop without feeling the need to kill themselves as soon as they enter the public restrooms situated randomly across the city and at stations? Why are there more Starbucks outlets than public restrooms? Where is my Venti? Why does Starbucks even bother with the food? Where is the Paneer, bro?

The. Nation. Wants. An. Answer.

The. Nation. Wants. Public. Restrooms. To. Be. Privatised.

(#TeamFDI #TeamPrivatisePublicRestrooms #TeamKarloTattiMutthiMein)

Whenever somebody asks me what I hate about Mumbai, the fourth thing which pops into my head is the lack of uniformity across the city.

There are different dustbins used for different places, the dividers look different in certain areas, the traffic-signals in certain areas have a countdown timer, roadblock signs are different, accidental-prone zones are marked differently, streetlights are different too.

Why is Mumbai such a placist? Is Mumbai a poser from South Bombay? Does it like to call piña colada as piña colaba? Why is there a lack of uniformity in design and execution of the public amenities?

I understand different areas have different jobs which are assigned to different contractors..

…but if Google can have a design guideline for Android, I am sure that we can too.

Whenever somebody asks me what I hate about Mumbai, the fifth thing which pops into my head is Upper Worli, New Cuffe Parade, Upper Juhu.

Shit. Just. Got. Personal, #Rustomjeebrodudebro.

First they called Lower Parel as Upper Worli then it was Wadala which became New Cuffe Parade and now you call Andheri as Upper Juhu.

This is why the real estate market in Mumbai is so screwed up.

Nobody. Is. Buyin’. You. Callin’. Wadala. As. Effin’ Cuffe Parade. Bro. Staph. Bro. Pls. Don’t.

The next thing I am hearing is that they’re gonna start calling Madh Island as Upper Versova. This + builders naming their buildings as “Yoga”, “Flyover Apartment”, “Flyover View”, “My Little House” is why we can’t have nice things. Fire your marketing team. They don’t even deserve to be in IIPM. There is absolutely no point to this. Also, Donald Trump is not your saviour. Seriously, save it.

Whenever somebody asks me what I hate about Mumbai, the sixth thing which pops into my head is public transport

Rickshaws should pickup and drop the commuter from a designated Rickshaw Pickup/Drop Point, kinda like what we have at the airports. A rickshaw point should be at every public-transport stop/station plus at a distance of ‘x’ kilometres from each other on the main road or we could just ban them, you know? #TeamNoRickshawLykInSoBo #PalladiumProblems

Cabs should have AC’s by standard. Uber should accept cash. Cool Cab is a joke, kill it. Also while we are it, revoke Meru’s license to operate. Seriously, there is no point.

Non-AC buses should be donated to Sri-Lanka or Nepal or Borivali and AC buses + bus-stops should be brought in for all routes. In a humid city like Mumbai, I can’t even believe I am still here typing this. This should have been done in 1991. (#Manmohan #Roxy #Economic #Reform #Tym)

Trains should be AC with automatic doors. The difference between the first class and the second class should be the load capacity. The first class shouldn’t have any standees. I am sure there is a way to devise a system that if all the seats are full in a compartment, doors don’t even open when the train stops at the station. Make purchasing tickets on mobile a thing, so I won’t have to stand in line. Don’t bother handing it over to IRCTC to though, seriously.

The Mumbai Metro is something which Reliance built so it’s probably not going to last for too long to even bother talking about it. #Obvio

The Monorail The best thing about the monorail is that most people don’t even know or care that it exists and we should keep it like that. It’s the Godfather III of public transportation systems. Let’s just not get into it.

Yes, all of the above things will make things expensive. Yes, that is the only possible way to actually even convince people who have a car to bother trying out the public transport system. Good morning to you too, dear.

TL;DR

In short, we have mortgaged our cities to free-market activists and all of it has led to urban chaos and extremely bad living conditions. We have lost somewhere, as our greed set-in about our city, about what made it. A recent article said that the MCGM wasn’t willing to give out land to one of the founders of the city who donated a lot of land to build stuff around the city. (He owned the land where JJ School of Arts exists. His family just wanted to celebrate his birthday.)

We should be ashamed of ourselves.

Also, Thane isn’t Mumbai, seriously. Stop saying shit like that. It hurts.

 
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