I studied in SSC so I make like typos and grammatical errors, if you’re gonna point them out to me I am just going to send you a screenshot of random things everyday for the next 4 weeks. Thank you.

In this post, I talk about how to transform yourself into an anti-social human being who will end up being more focused and productive than other people. Isn’t that what life is truly about? Effective planning, productivity, focusing, economies of scale, RBI, GDP/Debit Ratio, do you see where I am going with this? If you do, give me a call, we should totally be friends and maybe you could explain to me why I typed any of those things (both above and below)

I think you come to a point in your life where you really don’t wanna make any more friends. I came to that point in my life as soon as I was born, although not very common, this point has been reached by many people I personally know, maybe that is why I know them. Who knows, y'know?

The active lifestyle decision to not interact with everybody around you at any given point, can infact, sometimes, piss people off and they can very well think that your lifestyle choice is not really a lifestyle choice but an ego or an attitude issue. Let them think that, that is infact a good thing, mainly because if they think that, they will not bother you with their pleasantries again. They think that you think that you’re too good to talk to them and in the end, it all works out great because when you seem standoffish and vague, you call tell people you’re an enigma. Women love enigmas.

My hours of research on how to avoid people and alienate them has taught me one simple thing: The more annoyed or frustrated you look and sound, the more people will try to not interact with you. By hours, I obviously mean that one episode from Seinfeld in which George Constanza articulates this ideology really well. Add to that your standoffish behaviour and you’re 99% sure to get hate at any social event you’re ever invited to (This is how it all begins, soon there won’t be any invitations, so you won’t have to makeup stories about why you couldn’t be there)

Sometimes people will think that you’re shy, this is good too, because if they think you are shy, they’re just gonna try harder to “make you come out of your shell”. It is great to see people try, no? There is infact pleasure in seeing people work hard to achieve something, right? That is why so many ‘successful’ people write books about their oh-so-difficult-life before they got rich and ‘successful’ and people buy them by the truck-loads. Everybody loves a success story. The only difference between this story and the other story is that you’re the one in control here. Even if you’re not born with the “shy” characteristic, it is very easy to fake. It is also a very difficult catch, since most people can’t judge a persons character for shit and infact most people suck at judging anything about other people in general, so for them it’ll be next to impossible to figure it out. (Some people suck so much that they can’t even judge themselves, point that out to them and laugh about it, the next time you see them and make a Vine video about it)

Remember, alienating people is difficult because people believe that you need them and they need you to survive which is stupid because people are stupid and that is the true logical answer to everything.

I am no one to say that most people around you are useless and replaceable by a sack of potatoes (Sorry to the Jain folks for offending them) because I don’t like to tell you how to live your life, y'know? But you should probably think about it. Think about your super retarded cousin, for example, the only reason your super retarded cousin exists is so that you can have somebody to discuss at a social event where your family and extended family will be present. In this case, your super retarded cousin can be replaced by a sack of potatoes (Sorry to the Jain folks for offending them) and you could have fries (Sorry to the Jain folks for offending them) instead of having a bitchy conversation with your mom about your super retarded cousin over breakfast, y'know? I think fries (Sorry to the Jain folks for offending them) are better than conversations, specially for breakfast, wbu?

Your friends aren’t really your friends because your standards of/for/I studied in SSC so whatever/ friendship is/are shit. Not everybody who walks into your life can be your friend, people need to be okay with that and need to accept that and learn how to get over it. I still see people struggling when they get unfollowed on Instagram or Twitter or un-friended on Facebook. People will rant, bitch, call you out (in public) on it and do anything in their power to make you feel bad for a decision you really wanted to take, which sucks and social networks just make it worse every-time. Don’t give in, they deserve to be unfollowed and un-friended, make up simple rules in your head and don’t tell anybody about them and if people don’t adhere to the said made-up-rules, unfollow and un-friend them. I am obviously not stating that one shouldn’t have friends. I mean, I don’t know, whatever but you get the gist of it, yeah?

My favourite simple rule is that, for example, if the people who don’t know me well enough sly tweets about me, under usual circumstances, I will block and unblock them, causing a 2 pronged effect. I like the word ‘pronged’. Most people won’t realise you have done this and the people who do will be like “I am not following that guy again, he is weird” (i.e - I have an ego and I can’t believe somebody blocked and unblocked me! I mean all I did was sly tweet about this individual to 493403 of my followers for absolutely no reason or fault of his, amirite?)

You have to think outside the box if you don’t wanna be friends with someone you know, the problem with becoming friends with somebody too quickly is that it usually leads up to your relationship being stagnated, nobody likes a stagnated relationship, so you should end your friendship. To do that, you have to find out what ticks them off and you have to use those things to annoy them, not in a joking way. Talk about their ex if they’re sad about it, do whatever it takes to piss them off so much that they don’t wanna talk to you anymore. Play mind-games and make devious plans to make them stop talking to you, take a day off work and get a whiteboard and some magic markers if you have to. JUST. GET. IT. DONE.

You are not friends with someone if you guys are not on the same wave-length, if you can’t speak to a person without a considerable amount of time thinking and having an inner-monologue, they’re useless to you and you should find a new hobby instead of the “I want to be friends with everybody I meet” one, I suggest: Collecting stamps, Civilisation V, GTA V, Basketball, Reading a book, etc.

One golden rule about alienating people is that you can never ever be direct, you leave people in a state of confusion and let them assume what led to the present situation, infact, let them assume everything. Pretend you’re the same person like you were a week ago. Never, ever, tell them that you’re actively trying to piss them off because you don’t wanna talk to them. Make it a fun social experiment, maybe even keep a dairy about it, if you’re one of those people, y'know, whatever floats your boat, really.

“Some animals were meant to carry each other, to live symbiotically for a lifetime. Star-crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not those animals. The slower we move, the faster we die. We are not swans. We’re sharks.” - Ryan Bingham (George Clooney) / Up In The Air

It’s really difficult to alienate somebody you’re involved with ‘romantically’ because after a point they realise how to deal with you. So you should quit the game or maybe make the game a hobby instead of a full-time thing, that way nobody gets to understand you and you don’t have to go through the tiresome process of alienating them.

If you’re actively looking for people to date, you’re doing it wrong. Don’t get involved with people who have low moral-standards. Don’t date people who do something or are actively doing something that you wouldn’t wanna do. Don’t date naggers, you know those people, they’re the people who will go out of their way to comment on something about you, every time you see them. Don’t date people who don’t have the same sense of humour as you, when things get ugly, they won’t be able to laugh it off. If you like jazz and she likes Honey Singh, you should see other people. I think, political differences are fine because they generally make-up for a healthy debate, if nothing else. Don’t date people who call people when they’re drunk, if they can’t handle their alcohol, how will they handle a relationship? #Tell

“Alienating people around you is not a bad thing, it may seem ridiculous but it actually really works! #Believe” - Richard Nixon

To conclude, I would like to tell you that alienating people isn’t a hobby, it is a way of life. We are really at a point where we are being a bit too social, so social that people get called out in public when they get unfollowed on Twitter. (See how I keep bringing things up when I don’t understand them?) Most people now need so many people constantly around them in their lives because they are boring as fuck and they realise that only when they’re alone. For them, alienating people is not an option. However, for people who can live with themselves, this could be a fun social experiment and could potentially transform into a hobby and finally become near-spiritual and a way of life. Alienating isn’t about you, it’s about the greater good. It’s about saying no to social norms and clichéd agendas and saying yes to freedom. You can finally stop being “friends” with people you were never really “friends” with. #Alienating2015

Retorts to this alienating ideology will be that some people infact enjoy being social and meeting new people and talking about their experiences and adventures, these retorts are more useless than Uganda, people who enjoy meeting new people and talking about their adventures are alcoholics or addicted to drugs.

As I did on my old blog, I leave you with the best footnote in the history of footnotes.

Stay insane. Stay inverse.

As I still don’t know what it means, I am just going to go now and make some new friends because omg social lyf is rekt lyk whre is bae ttyl rn irl af imo imho lmao


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Hipster Doofuses: #Stuff

Sorry for the typos. I have a real job, so like you know, stuff. “I don’t understand why they think the pen is mightier than the sword, the guy with the sword can kill the guy with the pen, right?” “…Can you not do this while I am... Continue →